CHAPTER FOUR: 6 WEEKS POST CHEMO ONWARDS

This is my head at 6 weeks post my last chemo. I have a fine peach fuzz over the top and just starting down the sides now too and a few darker hairs among the fuzz and some of my original hairs (cut short) that have not fallen out.


I don't care about the running nose and eyes and shadows, etc., I just want HAIR........!!!

14th August 2008, 7 weeks after last chemo:

The finger tips of my left hand seem slightly less tingly and numb but both my feet and right hand are as they hae been since mid-way through the chemos, tingling nand half numb. I don't know about my reflex arcs, I just hope it all comes back. My hands are still weak also (another of the nerve damage effects).

My peach fuzz, which is almost invisible, covers the top of my head but the sides are still almost bare - cannot see the back but I can feel some degree of fuzz there. Dark hairs are visible amid the fuzz, but these are not dense, rather sparse! I fear it will be a very long time before I can go out with my head bare as I have not the courage to go out bald.

My eyes still water, mainly in the mornings and my nose runs and I still have the really dark shadows below my eyes. My eyelashes are about 1/4 normal length I think and my brows are good. If I put mascara on my brows they look just about normal. I am so thankful for this!!

My mouth and tongue are still feeling odd also but I am thankful that I never has a single ulcer or any problem other than this since day 1 (mouth problems being a HUGE chemotherapy problem). Taste is about 80% of normal I think.

I still have pain at the tumour site, I don't really know why but maybe my gut is somewhat damaged. I can imagine twisting to the left compressing the site while twisting to the right might stretch it and I'm just talking about daily living like normal housework, not exercises. Perhaps this causes the pain which is inconsistent...

16/08/08:

I am rather excited today as I can actually see a hairline on my forehead...check out this pic:

My brain is still in its "chemo fog" state. I cannot remember new things like somebody's name. I remember this happening in hospital. A nurse would come in and introduce herself telling me her name and that she would be looking after me that day. No matter how I tried, mnemonics used, etc., I inevitably could not get her name to stick. Small price to pay really  but I hope this improves.

I have not said much about the psychological effects of the entire drama so far. I think this is because I have been going blindly through the chemo fog from one goal to the next, and because my chemos were only 14 days apart, these goals have been close together - no time even to recover from one poisoning before the next was delivered. My energy has been concentrated on physical things like getting a chemo, minimising the side-effects, having tests, getting the next chemo, etc. 

Until now also, I have been in the aftermath of this, unable to realx, just keeping going by looking after myself, getting food into my house, cooking, even getting up in the mornings, showering, getting dressed and then the job of trying to make a bald face and head look half normal.......a bit scared of people, hiding...

Now that I know some hair is growing and with that the hope that in a few months I will be less of a freak, I am starting to relax a bit. I'm not thinking about my questionable longevity, just of my appearance and femininity which has been ravaged by my treatment. This has brought with it a sadness and depression so that I cry for little apparent reason. Having time to think may not be so good. And being alone is difficult... But this has been my choice to date.

More to come..........

Maggie